Not all men are violent – this is what happened to me

DA-xmas-cardI do not know whether my story will help others who face the same, but if it encourages men who are suffering ill-treatment to get help and support then it may just put an end to their domestic abuse.

You are welcome to use my experience as an example of how not to handle abuse. If I had found outside support when I endured the events I am about to relate, I believe my life may have taken a different, quite probably more harmonious course.

This is a true story, from my perspective. My wife and I married about a month after the birth of our son. I should have thought more about whether our relationship really was healthy before we tied the knot.

I preferred to believe any cracks and imperfections would be resolved by the fairy-tale ending of a wedding.

On the morning of our wedding my wife-to-be reached her arm out behind her, wheeled it round hard and slapped me full force across the face. She told me in a stage whisper that she hated me, my family and she hoped we would all die in a plane crash. I put it down to pre-nuptial nerves.

Our relationship had been of a whirlwind and it was passionate, tactile, and intense. A beautiful happy couple, for whom anything seemed possible.

She began to tell me I did not earn enough to keep her, and that I had trapped her. Then I heard I was not good looking enough and that I was too old for her. This gradually devolved into aggressive verbal outbursts about my odour, my physique and perceived lack of muscle.

For a time life did get better. Within a month my son had been born, we’d married, I’d both been made redundant and immediately headhunted for a new job.

Then things went downhill. I was kicked and scratched. Objects were thrown at me – dinner plates, ornaments, anything that lay to hand. Books were ripped up.

My sister noticed scratches on my face. I said it was from shaving. She didn’t believe me, as my beard didn’t grow on my nose, so how on earth did I cut myself there? I changed my story, which just provoked more disbelief. Now I was actually lying to my family.

One morning – it must have been a Saturday as I was at home for breakfast – my wife opened a letter and demonstratively placed the contents in front of me on the table. She sat back and looked self-satisfied, she placed a brochure from the local family doctor about domestic violence to women on the table. She told me she’d reported me at the doctor’s surgery, and that the doctor had suggested the authorities could intervene.

Evidently she’d already spoken with social services. I was dumbstruck when I realised the truth had been turned on its head, and my wife, the abuser, was actually playing the role of the abused to the outside world.

I had no-one to talk to about things; all family and friends had been ostracised and I had no outside point of reference. My perspective was distorted, and remained so for want of an outsider’s opinion.

After five months in England, my wife left with my son and returned abroad to her mother. In time I went to visit.

During the abuse I remained loyal to my little dysfunctional family and kept things to myself. This persisted until our separation, and inevitable acrimonious divorce. Ironically, despite all the attempts I made for the sake of my son to keep the relationship from becoming a battlefield, I have now not seen him for over 10 years.

Had my wife and I tackled the issues earlier, many arguments might have been avoided, and a lot of her violence and abuse may never have taken place. As it was we burned too many bridges, and too much trust was undermined by the lies, and the violence of the words and physical attacks.

So there it is: my advice to those who are, understandably hiding, whether from the shame and ignominy, or out of fear of actually being beaten by their wife or girlfriend.

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10 thoughts on “Not all men are violent – this is what happened to me

  1. robert

    Whilst i feel for you, you need to man up , simple kill or be killed is my motto !
    due unto those as they do unto you ! learn a martial art and no one should take shit , you my friend have a very low self esteem ,

      1. Robert

        Are you still attached to mummy’s booby you’re obviously a like minded person never been on the edge , holiday in Cornwall take a Bungee jump and try and man up because I’m mentally stronger than you. I’m an abuser ! Jehovah witness comes to mind and Jeremy Kyle candidate get a life homer grow up this is what happens when you remove national service , freedom of speech don’t like it sign out

      1. Robert

        Truth hurts seb I don’t believe in dressing stuff up to appear sensitive to others. This does not help. People need a positive mental attitude and positive strong people around them it’s life. As a business man Do you hang around with successful people in business who have an idea or the guy who serves in a high st shop positive people my opinion

    1. Allan

      Yea sure, man up learn a martial art then beat them back, now all of a sudden the world views you as an abuser and they’ll believe her over you, how about you quit trying to be a tough guy and realise that this is meant to raise awareness about the reality that men can be victims of abuse too and comments like yours just reinforce the notion that men cant come forward about it lest they be told to “man up” or
      “grow a pair”

      1. robert

        Allan, Wow, so far I’ve been called a Dick, An Abuser and now a Tough Guy !! All for giving my constitutional right of freedom of speech, none of the above people can hold a discussion without insulting in one form or another, if people can’t handle opinions then they shouldn’t be on here , I’ve not attacked any one on here personally But i have been attacked so who’s the bully,
        i ve been taught to defend my self verbally and physically and i don’t see how passive lets sit round the camp fire and sing cum ba ya ma lord is going to help attitude,
        i suggest you all be the good samaritans and i will be the baddy, but don’t asked a guy like me to help you when your getting mugged in the street !!! same principle !
        when you’ve been in the forces or trained all your life for self defence you hold a different attitude to life , i have children and they are all street wise and switched on, theres those who do and theres those who judge on who do .
        im bored stupid with this post and insult me all you want , i will not be wasting anymore of my time to try and justify my opinion or replying.
        I’ve just spent the last 2 hrs training , what have you lot done ! thats my point

  2. Michelle

    As a domestic violence officer Incan relate to this story…it is huge for a man to admit that he is suffering from DV.
    And Robert – you are a dick. Period

  3. raymond lambie

    Sounds to me, like you are not short of being a loving caring Man, with courage, I respect you Sir. If you can find it in your heart to forgive her, then you will have conquered the abuse, and it will cease to mean anything to you. I know this for a true fact, because I have practised forgiveness, for my childhood abuse. May God Bless and Keep you.


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